Dear dear, I don't want to study anymore :( Will you come over to sayang me? Will you magically appear here and run your fingers through my hair while I fall asleep in your arms? :(

Dear dear, whenever I look into the mirror, I see a fat and ugly me :( Do you still want me? :( I can't even bear to look at myself, how do you look at me everyday and tell me I'm still pretty?

I feel more and more depressed everyday. It feels like every ounce of energy is slowly seeping out from my already lifeless body, and it's being replaced by all the extremely negative emotions and thoughts. Soon, I'll feel myself struggling to stay afloat amidst a pool of pessimism.

I hate this feeling. It must be exams :(

And I'm sorry to you who have been reading distressing blog entries from me these days. I can't help it, I haven't felt free in the longest time. I feel caged up in this small little world of mine, growing fatter every minute.

It'll all be over on 15 May. Just please tolerate my nonsensical blog entries for the next 3 weeks. Can you understand this feeling now? :(

Steady feet don't fail me now.
没有你在我身旁 乱了方向 前路也曲折
独自面对 身边没人陪
眼泪滴进了咖啡 充满药水的苦味
让我受罪 独自面对 孤单的滋味
筑起墙围向后退 跌倒了心力交瘁

I haven't taken a close up shot of myself in the longest time. With all the daily mugging, my very chio ixus 80 has been left on my table and only used when I see Claire and then use it to tempt her into talking to me >.<

So yesterday, when the boyfriend posted up a close up shot of me he took using his phone on his blog, I got the biggest shock of my life.

OMG IS THAT ME?
What initially caught my eye was how pale I was. I wonder if it's the lousy camera, the lightings at the background, that my face has become much fairer within a few weeks, or it's just me looking PALE AND LIFELESS and extremely ugly! ARGH! It's worse than terrible!

Is this how I look to you everyday? TELL ME, TELL ME, TELL ME? I hardly spend time in front of the mirror peering at every inch of my skin anymore, so is this how I really look like now? SICKLY, WEAK, YUCKY and very deprived of a life? I look as though I've just came out from a hospital, except that I have grown fatter. This is what the UOL exams has done to me arghhhh!!!

This is very unbelievable. I swear after the 15th May, I'm going to do whatever it takes to make my face radiant!

If I look like a bloody sick vampire floating around now, please tell me. I feel so upset that I have to figure it out myself that this is how ugly I look now. ARGH. DAMN IT.

UGLY ME!!!! :(

I always wonder, how can a guy hold the hands of another girl, shower her with sweet words, presents and a whole load of intimacy, and still tells the ex-girlfriend he can't seem to forget her, making it seem as though his current girlfriend is non-existent? How can there be such despicable cheaters lurking around in my life, or maybe, what used to be my life.

For the 3 years you were together with me, how could you like her, when you were supposed to be in love with me? Remember I asked you this question - Do you think a guy can like two girls at the same time? You don't even have to tell me your answer, it's right before my very eyes. Have you thought of how she feels, if she knows that the person she is currently in love with doesn't give his whole heart to her? In fact, I pity her.

We have all moved on. The past has only become such a vague memory I only remember bits and pieces of it. What etches deeply in mind were the times we fought, argued, bickered and all the pain and the tears. It was awful. The sweet times were so minimal.

Right now, I don't remember how your hands felt when they held mine. I don't remember how warm your hugs were, or how addictive were your kisses. I only long for his.

It's hard to take a step back, when I've taken so many steps forward.

You know, there was this one time, somewhere in 2006, when we haven't met for the longest time. It was one of the rare days that you walked me home at night, to my gate. Do you remember that I cried, and told you I missed you, and all you did was to give me a quick hug, and told me that it was late and you needed to get home? Did you ever know how I felt when you just walked away, without even any form of consolation? It was the first, and also the last time I told myself that I'll bother to even miss you this much.

I did so much for you, when all I got in return was an asshole as a boyfriend. How can I not forget? It didn't have to take half as what I did to you for him, and I know he appreciates me much more than you did. Having known you has made me realise how much I appreciate my boyfriend, and how much I will continue treasuring him in the future.

I'll never forget how you broke my heart, and you will never forget how I found someone to fix it.
Are you sure you still can't get over me? This girl who has left you buried deep within the recesses of her brain, this girl whose heart yearns for another guy, this girl who treats you as the ex-boyfriend who treated her so badly? This time round, you really have to take some time off to think about it. It's time you flew.

It would all have been easier, if you never told me you still liked me.

I liked it when he let me stay in his arms, brushed my hair and called me silly girl. It made me realise how much I love him, and it also made me want to be with him. It was till forever.